After discovering my sissy desires......

For the next few months after discovering my sissy desires I masturbated often while viewing pictures of other men masturbating or sucking cocks. Occasionally I would still masturbate while looking at women in panties but nothing excited me more then looking at a man with an excited cock. My fantasies almost always involved playing with or sucking another man’s cock and I soon realized I had the desire to have a sexual experience with a male. I placed a free ad at a gay personals web site expressing my desire to masturbate with another man with my ultimate desire being to suck their cock. It was much more difficult to find someone then I expected it to be and although I corresponded with several men in my area, I only got comfortable enough over a two year time span to meet two of them. I met the first man at a bar for a few drinks. He was “very” gay and looking for a “mutually” fun time. After talking for an hour we went our separate ways that night and even though we corresponded occasionally after our meeting we never got together again. As I continued in my search for someone to help me fulfill my desires, I came to the realization that I wasn’t interested in mutual fun with a man or reciprocation but rather that I wanted to be totally submissive to a dominant man. I wanted to be told to “suck my cock sissy” and made to masturbate in front of him for his amusement. The second man that I met seemed to fit that description. He knew beforehand that I wanted to be a “sissy” and he was turned on by the thought of having a man wearing panties sucking his cock. One evening while I was online he “instant messaged” me as he had on several occasions during the prior weeks. Up to that time I couldn’t get up the nerve to meet and would make up excuses why I couldn't. I had the desire but I couldn't get past my nervousnous. On one particular evening I was really horny when he asked if I wanted to come to his house to suck his “big cock” I couldn’t resist my desires any longer and agreed that it was a good night for him to “fill my mouth with cum”. I put on a clean pair of panties then nervously drove fifteen minutes to his home, fully expecting that by the time I returned to my house that night I would know what it was like to suck a cock. Unfortunately it didn’t turn out that way. The man’s house was dirty and smelled of animal urine and I was turned off from the moment I arrived. The bottom line however is that in the end I got scared. He asked me if I was wearing panties which I told him I was then he asked if I wanted to go into the bedroom and I declined. I can’t believe it, I was so close to fulfilling my desire and I backed out! I was only minutes from tasting cock and a few minutes further from tasting another man’s cum. I was really disappointed for letting the opportunity slip away. A few months later I got married to a woman I had been in a serious relationship with for many years prior to my discovering my sissy desires. It’s unfortunate that I didn’t know my desires sooner in life so I could have explored them further prior to our relationship. Unlike in my first marriage, my current wife does know about my panty fetish and she knows that I wear them daily. She’s okay with it and calls me her little sissy! However, she has no absolutely no idea of my true sissy desires and I’m sure she would never understand them. I live in fear of her finding out as I’m certain she would divorce me. It’s a constant struggle between my love for her and my sexual desire to be a sissy that sucks cocks!